The Living Dead
I’m not a big fan of Michael Bauer’s restaurant reviews in the San Francisco Chronicle. Not sure why – I generally agree with his assessments – I just don’t like the food critic style of writing. While he correctly uses words such as “juxtaposition,” I don’t think they belong in a piece written about food.
Bauer’s blog, Between Meals, is an entirely different story. Two thumbs waaayyy up. The more casual blog format fits food discussions to a T.
In a recent post, MB lamented the demise of establishments that passed before their time. I’m sure that some were good but I disagree with him on the only one that I knew, Stars.
The way that Jeremiah Tower pimped the Stars outpost in Palo Alto before it opened (I wish I could find the ad picturing Tower, in full chef’s regalia, standing in the under-construction Palo Alto Stars yelling “Where’s my kitchen?”) and then backpedaled when it failed was shameful, not to mention disingenuous. The service did suck. I know, I ate there. Good riddance to Tower, in Palo Alto and San Francisco.
At Bauer’s invitation, readers submitted their list of places that closed too soon. Again, most of the ones I knew deserved their fate.
The Black Cat. Did it want to be Italian, a raw bar, Cal-Asian fusion or a French bistro? They tried ‘em all. None worked. Cause and effect? Probably. The only good thing was the kitchen was open late.
Chaz. The food was great, no question. But, the poster who suggested this one said that chef Charles Solomon was “known positively for his kitchen talents and negatively for his treatment of staff. “ It must have rubbed off on the front-of-the-house employees, who treated guests with distain. Early one evening, Mackie and I dropped in at Chaz. Despite the dining room being only half-full, we were told that they couldn’t seat us because the kitchen was too busy. Not because they were full up with reservations but because the kitchen was too busy. At half capacity??? You’ve got to be kidding. Then, the jerk, er, maître d' told us that we were welcome to check back in 45 minutes. Not that we could be seated in 45 minutes but that we could check back to see if the overwhelming burden placed on the kitchen by the half-empty dining room had eased enough so that they could deign to accommodate our wretched selves. Guess what? We left and never endured the miserable pricks at Chaz again.
Vicolo. For my feelings regarding weird toppings on pizza, see Ten Things That Make Me Grumpy (2008). Ditto for weird bottomings on pizza. Corn meal is great for muffins, hideous for pizza crust.
Flying Saucer. I liked Flying Saucer but I include it out of deference to Mackie. She was served fish that was simply inedible. Bye-bye.
Elroy's. Overpriced, forgettable food. My visit was, however, entertaining. I sat at the counter in front of the kitchen, talking to the newly minted executive chef and watching him run the show. That was fun but, ultimately, the food didn’t cut it for me. In fairness, because the chef was new, I should have given Elroy’s another chance. But, it was one and done, emphasizing the importance of making a great first impression.
Café Akimbo. Too expensive, food not too good, too many ladies who lunched. Nordstrom Café is a much better lunching lady place, although they screwed things up when they changed the menu a couple of years back.
The Mark Twain Award goes to the reader who nominated South Park Café for the list. I’ll miss it when it goes – perfect sunny day lunch spot – but there’s no indication that will be anytime soon.
One reader obviously thinks along the same lines I do…he turned the question around and asked what restaurants had lasted too long, outliving their usefulness. He placed two names in nomination, Postrio and Farallon. I’ve never been to either so I won’t comment. But, this guy’s on the right track.
Another reader suggested The Stinking Rose, Mario's Bohemian Cigar Store Café, and Hard Rock Café. For an establishment to outlive its usefulness, it must, at some point, have had usefulness. None of these ever did.
Which brings me to my point.
There are zombies in our midst. Mere shells of their former selves, they blindly stumble forward on autopilot, unable to reach their past glory but with enough momentum to stay in business for years. Someone, please, find a magic elixir to restore them to their previous greatness or drive a stake through their hearts and end the suffering. Cases in point…
Hyde Street Bistro was a wonderful place when Fabrice Marcon owned it and manned the stoves. Alas, based on personal experience and comments in Zagat and Yelp!, the subsequent owners have not be able to consistently replicate Fabrice’s magic. I hope they can crack the code – I’d love to re-experience Hyde Street Bistro as it was circa-2001.
Rose Pistola made waves when it opened, winning the James Beard Foundation's award in 1997 for Best New Restaurant and further intensifying chef Reed Hearon’s already dazzling star. Alas, the star that burns twice as bright burns half as long. After chef and ownership changes, Rose Pistola can no longer adequately execute its signature skillet roasted mussels, if my last visit was any indication. (For a proper version, go to LuLu.) Hearon followed up Rose Pistola with the disastrous Black Cat (see above), sold his San Francisco restaurant properties and now seems to be some sort of life coach.
The Zagat Guide description of Alfred’s Steakhouse made me salivate. Best Caesar Salad in San Francisco, Zagat declared. Unfortunately, words on paper last longer than restaurant food standards. When Mackie and I tried Alfred’s, the Caesar was mediocre at best. The steaks were nothing to brag about either. The Zagat Guide now complains, “Caesar salad is no longer prepared tableside.” [N.B., a paid subscription is required to follow this link.] The Chronicle lowered its food and overall ratings for Alfred’s to one-and-a-half stars.
I’ve never personally visited Lime but I’m placing it on this list because Michael Bauer’s update in the Chronicle perfectly captures the phenomenon I’m describing. Bauer says that Lime remains a Castro hot spot but goes on to state, “it feels like the kitchen is on autopilot,” with attendant shortcomings in flavor and presentation. The perfect description of a zombie.
Anyone have magic potions or stakes?
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