Ten Things That Make Me Grumpy (2008)
Following in the footsteps of The Tablehopper (see The Tablegrumper and The Tablegrumper Redux), here’s my 2008 list of Ten Things That Make Me Grumpy. Ideally, a list like this would confine itself to recent trends, as do The Tablehopper’s lists. Forgive me, for I am about to sin, but I have way too much pent up grumpiness to refrain from venting about some things that have bugged the crap out of me for ages. Maybe next year…
1. Double digit cocktail prices are simply absurd. I appreciate that you’re using an authentic, turn-of-the-(20th)-century recipe, and yes, it’s nice that you found exactly the right style of bitters on your last trip to Europe, and the freshly squeezed organic fruit juice you’re using is really tasty but puleeze! I’d rather spend my $20-and-change on three $7 drinks from the bar down the street that taste just as good (especially by the time #3 rolls around!) than on two of yours. As my favorite bar owner says, “We don’t charge less so you can spend less, we charge less so you can drink more!”
2. Ditto double digit salad prices. I’m not talking entrée salads here – pricing north of $10 is perfectly acceptable for a good Niçoise or Cobb. But for starter salads??? Get outta here! Worse, after some fool decided that iceberg lettuce was haute cuisine and the lemmings followed, we're stuck with the nutritionally valueless wedge salad with bleu cheese at these ridiculous prices. C'mon, I’m trying to get some green leafies in my diet. Nix the organic little gems, nix the wedge and give me some romaine at a reasonable price.
3. This eponymous naming thing has got to stop. It’s one thing to use the family name. It’s a family business, you’re going to pass it on to your grandkids, the name has an ethic ring that mirrors the food – all cool. But chefs who name their restaurants after themselves either have egos the size of Alaska or are too lazy to do a proper job of marketing. (Being a marketing type, I find the latter to be especially offensive.) Use the name to say something about your establishment. House of Prime Rib. Gee, I wonder what they serve. Aqua, Pesce, Yabbies Coastal Kitchen. Seafood anyone? Or, create an expectation or an impression. I’ve never been to Frisson but the name alone created a sense of anticipation that put it on my list. If you need help, call me. Seriously. I’m a pro at naming and branding. And I’ll charge a lot less than you paid for that bar you’re installing.
4. Lack of parking is forgivable if we’re talking about a Mission taqueria but is a mortal sin for a fine dining establishment. Here’s a clue…if you’re not blessed with your own parking lot, before you open your new fancy schmancy trattoria, take a walk for a block or two in every direction DURING THE DAYS AND TIMES YOU PLAN TO BE OPEN!!! (That last part’s really important, in case the ALL CAPS didn’t clue you in.) Is there ample street parking with plenty of open spaces? Are there reasonably priced pay lots with attendants who aren’t smoking crack? If both answers are “no,” call a valet parking service. It’s not hard. THEY’RE IN THE YELLOW PAGES!!!
5. Keep that weird stuff off of my pizza! There are certain things that do not belong on top of any self-respecting pie. Fruit other than pineapple. Nettles. Clams. Broccoli. Squash. Potatoes. The list goes on. These perversions are another symptom of the obsessive inventiveness that ruined crème brulée. Do me a favor…if you’re going to put this crap on top of a crust, call it flatbread.
6. Burger pricing in this city has gotten totally out of hand. Case in point…Eos. While wandering through Cole Valley a few weeks ago, I engaged in one of my favorite pastimes…reading menus posted in restaurant windows. What I saw at Eos was appalling. Burger, $12. Cheese, $2. Fries, $4. Not quite priceless but that’s $18 for a burger and fries, people! Get over yourselves!!!
7. Few things infuriate me more that when a restaurant closes before it’s posted hours. Restaurateurs who do this claim that it’s bad business to stay open, with attendant staff costs, energy costs, etc., when no one’s in the place. Poppycock! Bad business is setting expectations and not meeting them. Bad business is incensing a customer who has rushed to get in the door before closing time only to find that you shut off the ovens 30 minutes early. You not only lose their business for that night, you’ll lose it forever. Count on it. The practice indicates a lazy, undisciplined, don’t give a flying freak attitude. Stop it.
8. The disappearance of Sweet’N Low is driving me bonkers. With the emergence of Splenda, I can understand that restaurants might not want to carry three kinds of artificial sweetener, even though I hardly think it would cut into their profit margins. But, get rid of the icky blue stuff! It sucks! It’s gotten so bad that I’ve taken to carrying some pink packets with me. The practice draws some strange looks but gets the job done. I even shamed one place into starting to stock Sweet’N Low after I walked down the street to Walgreens, bought a box and told them to set it aside for me. They gave so much away to other people who asked for it that they had to restock!
9. When it’s so easy to make it well, why do so many places serve bad iced tea? McDonald’s is good, why isn’t yours? This transgression has two main subcategories. Number 1, serving iced tea from the bar gun. Shows total distain for the customer. Do you really think we’re so dumb that we can’t tell the difference? Number 2, brewing the tea in the coffee maker. Clueless. You know that yucky taste in your mouth when you drink coffee and don’t brush for a while? Guess what? Your coffee brewer imparts the same taste to iced tea. Tea and lemon together? Good mix. Tea and coffee? Unpalatable! If you refuse to stop using the coffee maker, a least run a couple pots of water through it to clean the insides before making tea. Not ideal but a big improvement. The real shame is that making great iced tea is dead simple. Call China Mist. They’ll deliver all the equipment you need and show you how to use it. I don’t think they even charge for it. They just want you to buy the supplies from them. Perfect iced tea every time. I gave you the link. Use. If it doesn't work, let me know. I have a friend who reps for China Mist. I’ll get her to give you a call.
10. Finally, what is it with places that can’t make dessert? Unbelievably, some places don’t have dessert. All teasing, no pleasing. Are you listening, Hard Knox Café? Others offer store-bought cakes and sell them for $7 a slice. Look, I know where Safeway is and can go there myself. Still others fall victim to obsessive inventiveness. Need we remind you again of what happened to crème brulée? Just hire a pastry chef, tell them to keep it simple and be done with it. Or get someone’s mother to whip up some baked goods.
I could go on but I won’t. I’ve shared enough grumpiness for one post.
i have my own issues w/ bay area restos (and i agree w/ you on #s 6 and 7) but umm..... potato is a completely standard pizza topping (done with rosemary, and without tomatoes) in italy. in fact it became my instant favorite when i was there... SO good. and every little podunk place does it... as common as the margherita. definitely not an annoying foodie invention.
and yes, potatoes aren't indigenous to italy but then neither are tomatoes.
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